A Very Random Harvest Moon Story
by Karen Moondrop
Summary: Well, the title tells all... Jack takes over the farm, blah blah blah. Pretty random, possibly offensive... R and R if you want, I don't care whether you like it or hate it, all opinions are valued.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Well well well, it's been a while hasn't it? I doubt anyone remembers me... I haven't written in ages, and didn't think I was going to, but the summer came round, and thus so did boredom and an urge to annoy people by putting these terribly crap stories on this site. Anyways, enough of me being me, and more of me writing! Oh, one thing, don't read this if you don't like crudeness, humour or my feeble attempts at it) randomness, or me (I bet a lot of people just turned off their computers.)_

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CHAPTER ONE: THE NEW GUY

"I hate you."

This was the first response of the young man who had just taken his first glance at was to be his new farm and only source of income for a trial of 3 years.

"Come now, it isn't really that bad… is it?"

The young man stared at the overweight red-nosed Mayor for a second in disbelief.

"You're kidding me."

"Oh come now, it may need a touch of paint here and there…"

"A touch of paint? It's a dilapidated load of shit!"

The young man looked around at the weed-ridden, funky-smelling field in which he was soon supposed to grow bountiful crops and grass fields. He turned to face the shack in which he was soon supposed to live, almost swearing he could see some strange man dressed in yellow sliding some of the very valuable volumes of Shakespeare off the bookshelf and into his coat.

"Come now Jack, it really isn't that bad. I mean, sure, it isn't exactly some fancy mansion, and I'm not trying to say it's a castle or anything, but… well… at least it's a standing form of shelter!"

The Mayor was soon corrected by a terrible creaking sound coming from the old house. A small bird had perched itself on the roof. After a second the bird took to do its business, it took flight, pushing down slightly on the roof as it did so. A very brief moment later came the horrible sound of Jack's would be house imploding.

The two just stood and stared as the building was brought crashing down loudly to the ground.

"M…my grandfather's house… gone… all gone…"

Jack stood there, mouth gaping open, eye twitching.

"Ah… how about we take a tour of the town now?"

The Mayor led Jack, whose eye was still twitching at the sight of his beloved grandfather's house's destruction, out of the farm and towards the town.

A moment later, a man in what appeared to be some sort of raincoat and a peculiar rainbow coloured hat clawed his way out of the wreckage, and after taking a moment to brush himself off, also headed out of the farm.

"Meet Popuri!"

The girl who stood in front of Jack and flowing pink hair, strange red eyes and a youthful look about her.

"Well howdy Jack! It sure is nice to meet you!"

The girl took Jack's hand and shook it warmly.

"Grandpapa… gone… all gone… oh what? Umm… Hi. I'm Jack."

The girl continued to shake his hand. The boy tried to withdraw his hand, but the girl hung on tight.

"Could you uh… could you please let go of my hand now?"

The girl didn't seem to here him, and continued to shake his hand.

Another pink haired woman, a bit older this time, emerged from the building behind them.

"Sorry about this. Sometimes you just have to…"

The woman revealed a broom she was holding behind her back, with which she then hit the girl over the head. The girl's eyes widened for a second, her face otherwise expressionless, and her hands fell to her sides. After a second a wide smile suddenly appeared on her face.

Jack looked at her in disbelief, waving his hand in front of her face for a second. The mayor looked at him worriedly.

"Uh, you might want to be careful." His voice dropped to a whisper. "She's been known to bite." Jack quickly withdrew his hand.

"Umm… is she… I mean… is she… does she…"

The Mayor seemed to understand what Jack was trying to say, as if he'd been asked the question many times before.

"No, she isn't special needs, she's just… Popuri…"

"Just Popuri?"

"You'll come to understand in time… oh, by the way, this is Lillia, Popuri's mother."

The mayor gestured towards the woman with the broom, who spoke for the second time.

"Well boys, as much as I'd love for you to stay for some egg juice" (at this point Jack's eyes widened as he felt his breakfast working its way up his throat)" I really must ask you to leave. It's time for Popuri to take her afternoon nap."

The mayor nodded knowingly, and led Jack out of the farm. The girl stood there still, standing with that blank smile on her face. Lillia sighed and led her seemingly ever-smiling daughter back into their house.

_A/N: Well, I didn't want to ramble on too long, because I don't think this is much good, so all I'll say is please, if you don't like his, I beg of you, tell me what I've done wrong, so maybe I can improve my writing and at least won't be writing stuff that people hate like poison._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Well… umm, more randomness is all you should expect here, just another jumble of incoherent disorderly attempts at communication really. Oh, and sorry, in the last chapter I seem to have forgotten to put a line in between the two scenes. My bad… anyways, onwards!_

**CHAPTER TWO: MINERAL TOWN? - PART ONE**

"Alrighty, I think we'll go to the library now. I might show you the supermarket, the clinic, the inn… yup, that's about it really. Oh, it's probably a good thing the inn is last, because of your grandfathers house along with all of your beloved childhood memories tumbling to the ground an hour ago…" (at this point, a single tear ran down Jack's face) "…yes, I'll get the lumberjack to fix it up. It should be right by the morning."

"Wait a minute, by morning? Won't it take a few months or something?"

"Not the way this lumberjack does it…" the mayor shuddered as he thought of it. "So many jars of honey… so many dead sprites…"

"Uh… what?"

"Oh… no, nothing… look, here's the, library!"

The two stood in front of a largish building with two doors, the one on the right of which had a sign saying "LIBRARY" in bold orange letters. Jack followed the mayor as he somehow managed to squeeze himself into the building through the average sized door.

Once inside the building, Jack was shocked at how quiet it was. He looked around for a while, his eyes finally resting on a sweet and innocent looking, black haired librarian reading something entitled "Little Bitches". Jack shook his head and mentally slapped himself over the head for seeing something so rude near such a pleasant looking girl.

"Jack, meet Mary. Mary, meet Jack. Jack is taking over the farm for that old bas… I mean, sweet elderly man who use to live on the farm."

The delicate looking girl carefully made her way round the desk.

"Yo yo, 'sup bitch?"

Jack's eyes suddenly widened.

"Umm… pardon me?"

"I said, 'SUP BITCH? Shit, is somethin' the fo shizzle with yo' brain, dog?"

The girl didn't wait for an answer.

"YO GRAY! GET YO' BITCH ASS OVER HERE!"

A rather shy looking boy came from behind a bookshelf.

"Do you need something, Mary?"

The girl grabbed him and kissed him deeply.

"Yeah, a piece o' yo' tight little ass bitch! You my ho and I yo' pimp, know what I'm saying?"

The redheaded boy had absolutely no idea what she was saying.

"Uh… sure Mary…"

The mayor shifted uncomfortably.

"Uh… well, we really should leave, Jack needs to see the rest of Mineral Town…"

"Lata' dog… HEY GRAY! GO GET ME MO' O' THAT RED WEED, BITCH!"

"Yes Mary…"

The redhead sighed as the mayor and Jack slowly backed out of the library.

"I hope you don't mind me asking, Mayor Thomas… but what the fuck is up her 'bitch ass?'"

"Harry Potter 4, 5 and 6, The Da Vinci Code, and Hungry, Hungry Hippo, a Life Story." Jack felt like pointing out just how physically impossible this was, and also that the last was not actually a book (he then realized that this meant it could be something worse) but decided against it for the sake of not talking about what was shoved up a librarian's ass.

"Anyways, onwards we go… to the Supermarket!"

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_A/N: Oh dear god, what was I thinking? I'm beginning to think I may have at some point today been spiked with red weed… OK, I decided to separate all of the places he visits for laziness' sake. Anyways…_

_THANK YOUS:_

_Hay Lin rox: Thanks, I do try… and generally fail… but anyways, hope you enjoyed!_

_DoubleKK: This was my original pen name, which I had to change for… reasons… but anyways it's back to what it was now. Yeah, I reckon so to… hehehe…_

_Lost and Disturbed: I disagree. It will most certainly end up bad… but that's the way I like it! Thanks for the review!_

_Iluvavataryo: Avatar eh? I think I've watched the tv series of that… good show, to my recollection. I'll be sure to have a look at it!_

_jack-t-man: Hahaha SHUT UP! Look what you did! I wrote another chapter too… ah well, hope you "enjoyed"…_

_Well, thanks for reading, and sorry at the same time…_

_KM_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Ok, I should really update this more… well anyway here it is, after yet another one of my annoying and ridiculous breaks (they're almost as annoying and ridiculous as the writing itself.) So anyway, here I go again…_

**

CHAPTER THREE: MINERAL TOWN? – PART TWO

**

As Jack and the mayor walked further along the brick path, a previously faint clashing sound became louder.

"Oh lord… not again…"

Jack looked up at the mayor.

"Not what again?"

But the more than portly man ignored him and instead fastened his pace (now about the same of that of the average garden snail).

As they passed two houses the sound became yet louder. The pair finally came across a building with a park bench and a tree to the right of it. The mayor walked up to the door and, sighing, opened it (the bell ringing as he did so), revealing to Jack one of the most completely random things he had ever seen.

Two people, one a girl Jack thought to be the most beautiful being he had laid eyes on, the other some random guy with zebra striped hair, stood close to a table with wrapping paper and a door fighting. With light sabers.

"I will never join you!" the girl yelled, swinging her weapon at her opponents face.

"Huh?" said the man, blocking it just before it hit the tip of his nose.

"I thought we were fighting over debt or something…"

The girl thought for a minute.

"Oh yeah… well then… you will pay your debt Duke, with money or your life!"

The two swung the light sabers around, clashing them into the merchandise as a small man cowering behind the counter winced.

"Crazy, this is" he mumbled, sounding somewhat like a stoned green monkey might, if it could talk. As he rose his head cautiously above the counter for a brief moment to look at what he expected would be customers, he saw a young and obviously stupid boy standing next to the mayor looking bewilderingly at the clash of physical impossibility and breached copyright laws.

"Kid! Stop them, you will, and free seeds you shall get!"

"…Wha?" Jack said staring blankly in the direction of the character who is most definitely not a take off of Yoda.

"Free seeds I will give you if battle you stop!"

Jack continued to stare blankly at the obviously insane man.

"Look kid, break the fucking fight up and you get some free shit, ok?" the man said, seemingly somewhat annoyed. The mayor suddenly pushed Jack towards the battle.

"Uh, hey guys… could you… could you stop fighting?"

The two ignored him completely.

"Uh, What's-your-name… Duke, ah, couldn't you just maybe pay your debt or something?"

Suddenly the older man swung round and pointed his glowing sword at the boy's neck.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you right now kid!"

"Because… uh because… Duke… I am your father?"

The man lowered his weapon.

"… Papa?"

Suddenly the sound of shattering glass filled the room. As Duke fell to the ground unconscious, the girl could be seen behind him, broken wine bottle in hand.

"Thank you, you saved my li-"

The girl cut Jack off by grabbing him abruptly, holding the jagged wine bottle to his throat.

"Do you know what you made me do kid? I only have 45 bottles of wine now… that has to last me another three hours!"

"Couldn't… couldn't you have just used the light saber?"

The girl started to press the bottle into Jack's throat.

"I-I mean, uh, your judgment is best… what did you say your name was?"

"It's…"

"This isn't the boy your looking for" a woman's voice said. After a moment's pause, the girl repeated,

"This isn't the boy I'm looking for", dropped the bottle and walked through the door to the back room. Jack turned around to see a woman quite similar looking to the girl, although her hair was up in a bun, and her eyes were a calmer, less startling shade of green.

"Thank you, kind stranger", Jack said, praying that she wasn't also about to try and kill him. The woman simply chuckled calmly.

"Not a problem, young padawan." Jack decided not to question this.

"So… do I get my free seeds now?" The woman raised one eyebrow.

"You don't want any free seeds." Jack looked at her strangely for a second.

"I don't want any free seeds."

And with that, he and the mayor walked out of the store and onto the street to continue their strange journey.

_A/N: Ok, I got lazy at the end and just kind of stopped writing abruptly… anyways, there were quite a few references to Star Wars in there, if you didn't see them then congratulations, you aren't a nerd like the rest of us. I think I'll skip the personal thank you bit here because it's been so long, and will instead say a big thank you to those who've reviewed this, read it, and possibly loathed it._

_KM_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Well, I've decided I'll probably make this a weekly thing, what with school starting and all (it'll give me an escape and something to do on a Sunday rather than sleep or further my addiction to phenylketanurics, specifically phenylalanine, by drinking excessive amounts of dietary colas) So, once again, here is my pathetic attempt at writing something humorous, and hopefully at least mildly intelligible…_

**

CHAPTER FOUR: MINERAL TOWN? – PART THREE

**

"Welcome to Mineral Town clinic", said the lovely, pleasant looking girl at the counter. Jack was relieved to see that she had no apparent interest in threatening his mortality, and that she looked somewhat more sane than the rest off the village had been so far.

"Elli, this is Jack. He's the new boy taking over the farm."

"Well I'll be! Welcome to Mineral Town!" The girl took the boy's hand and shook it warmly.

"I don't suppose you want to meet the doctor do you?"

"Yeah, I guess I better, for future reference and all" Jack replied. So far, it was clear to him that this girl was probably the least psychotic in the village.

"Well actually, I wanted to talk to the doctor about a certain… problem… I've been having… do you mind if I go in privately for a while first?"

"Sure, no problem."

"Yes Mayor, you just walk right in there." Elli pointed towards the curtains to the right of the mayor.

"Thank you Elli." Mayor Thomas walked in, Elli smiling at him the whole way. As soon as the curtains closed, Jack decided to make conversation.

"So Elli, what's it like working as a nurse in such a small town?" But the young girl did not answer him. Her smile instantly faded and she pulled Jack by his shirt right up to her face, whispering through gritted teeth.

"Listen kid, and listen close. You lay a finger on that man and you're gonna be answering to me. Got it?"

The boy was stunned.

"… pardon?"

"I SAID, if you make a move on the gorgeous man behind those curtains, you are going to regret it. Comprende?"

"Wait…" a large black question mark in a bubble formed above Jack's head. After a second, it was replaced with an orange exclamation mark.

"You… you love… Mayor Thomas?!?!"

"You trying to be a wise guy, punk? Fuck no, even his wife only married him for his money… or maybe his pimpin' red hat… no, Timmy is who I'm talking about…" the girl's expression soften for a second as she sighed.

"Oh dear sweet Timmy, one day…" The girls face returned to its pissed off state.

"So are you hearing me boy?" Jack looked at her with his blank, staring eyes for a second.

"… Are you implying I'm gay?" There was silence between the pair for a few seconds.

"You mean… you aren't?"

"… no! Why would you think that?"

"Well thank you very much doctor, I'll be sure to use it sparingly." The "door" of the doctor's office was drawn back, and the novelty oversized tomato was somehow managing to squeeze through. The girl quickly let go of Jack's shirt, a sweet smile covering her face again.

"Well Jack, I'm all done now. Do you want to meet the doctor?" Jack saw Elli out of the corner of his eye, sporting a recently snapped pencil in her right hand and a deadly glare.

"NO! No no, no, I think… wow, is that the time? Maybe later! Come on Thomas, old Tommy boy, best be on our way! Well bye!" and with that, the boy ran out of the surgery, dragging the mayor with him.

_A/N: Ok, I've been dead busy with sport and music and school and homework and my lame excuse of a social life, so this was really rushed and really short… well, hope you enjoyed, although I don't expect you to have…_


	5. Chapter 5

_Hmm, I seem to be writing this in stuttered bursts, on occasions when I feel so drawn to… anyways, here we go…_

**CHAPTER FIVE: MINERAL TOWN? – PART FIVE**

"Well Jack, it appears we've come to the end of our tour." Night was beginning to set over the quaint little town so many country Simpletons called home, and Jack was feeling rather relieved.

"Oh. What a shame. Well, I guess I'll be seeing you around then." Jack made towards the door of the large, cozy looking Inn. Mayor Thomas looked down in disappointment.

"Oh, really? I thought maybe we could have a drink together at the bar…" Jack's eyes widened in horror.

"Oh, no sorry, I er… don't drink…?" This was a fairly blatant lie. Jack had long since become well acquainted with the beer bottle. It had been a good friend too, turning many terribly written fan-fiction stories he had browsed over long city nights alone quite entertaining.

"Oh, well, ok then… I guess I'll be seeing you around Jack!" but the boy had already slammed the wooden door shut. As the Mayor walked away, he heard the boy's voice once more –

"Give me your strongest alcoholic beverage, and fast!"

Jack sighed into his Wild Grape Juice. He'd given up every little thing he did have in the hopes of having a more peaceful existence than that of a journalist. He prayed that this screwed up town wouldn't ruin it all for him. He looked up from his drink. As he did, he saw something – or rather, someone.

A very pretty young girl was rubbing someone's sick off the far end of the table. Her ginger hair was tied with a white bow. Her blue eyes looked gentle, and welcoming. She wore boyish clothes – a soft yellow T-shirt, and denim overalls. "_Well," _thought Jack, "_what have I got to lose?"_

"Uh… hey there… what's your name?" the girl looked up from her work, smiling at him warmly. The boy decided he liked that smile a lot. The girl left the pile of sick and the dirty rag, walking over to him. She held out her hand.

"HI!" She screeched. "MY NAME IS ANN! I'M HAPPY! HAHAHAHAHA!" The boy blinked in disbelief.

"YOU KNOW WHAT'S GREAT? FOOD! AND YOU KNOW WHAT COOKS FOOD? FIRE!" Ann's eyes widened with excitement.

"Hey… this means… FIRE IS GREAT!" The boy looked back to his drink.

"Your logic astounds me." Picking it up, he downed the whole thing in about 5 seconds.

"Well, I'm off to sleep."

"BUT, I HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWED YOU TO YOUR ROOM!" Ann howled in his ear. For the first time that day, the boy smiled a genuine smile.

"Oh, I know." _"Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." _

"By the way, I'm quite aware this will cause permanent brain damage" he told the girl, who looked at him questioningly in return.He grabbed the emptied bottle, and, with a heavy swing, bashed the bottle into his head. And so, our hero slept.

_A/N: Yeah, very short, not very good… well, you should be used to it by now! If this is the first you've read from me, believe me, I do oh so sincerely apologize._

_K.M._


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX - IT BEGINS**

Jack opened his mouth, and shoved a rice-ball inside whole.

"Huh?" he looked around, confused. How did he end up in this place? The single room house had a homey feel about it, with wooden floorboards, and walls. All it contained was a bed, table, television, bookcase and large, treasure chest shaped box. Jack cast his eyes towards the window. He saw a rather malodorous looking excuse for a piece of what he thought was probably some kind of farmland sprawling endlessly into the horizon. It was then that he realized that he was home. Sighing, he walked out of the simple wooden front door.

"Oh Jack! What are you doing here?" The mayor's insistent and ultimately repulsive face beamed up at Jack.

"This is my house. I live here." The farmer attempted to walk around the mayor, but the blob rolled into a defensive position blocking his way.

"So, I was wondering, you need any help? Because I can help you in any way you need… and I mean ANY way…" the Mayor winked suggestively. Jack grimaced in pure disgust.

"Look, just… get away from me, you're making me physically ill." The mayor did not look like he had any intention of giving up.

"But, Jacky… I thought we had something!" the mayor looked up at his apparent love interest with sulky eyes. Jack's eyes widened with horror.

"Look, get the hell off my property before I call the police." Thomas chuckled a little.

"Oh, I think you'll find that I know the police officer in this town quite well… quite well indeed." The man scratched his head.

"We play chess on Friday nights, it's pretty fun." His blue eyes looked greedily into the young farmer's messy brown pair (of eyes, don't get the wrong idea). Just as Jack thought his innocence was about to be stolen by a retarded man wearing a red pimp hat, a muscle bound man charged his way into the farm.

"Is this man giving you trouble, little girl?" Jack was unsure whether he should feel relieved or insulted.

"Yes, yes he is." The burly man picked up the bouncy little man and threw him as if he were a basketball what seemed to be over 4 lengths of the farm. Jack looked from where the mayor had a few seconds ago been hurled into the sky to the astronomical being before him.

"Are you Chuck Norris?" the thing looked at him questioningly.

"No, I'm Zack, the shipper dude. And that," the man pointed to a standard wooden box shaped thing, "is the shipping box. Put stuff in there if you want to sell it. I come 5 pm every day except holidays. I need a break too you knowAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jack wondered whether or not Zack had an axe.

"HA…ahaha… ooh, good one Zacky boy." Jack wondered who the hell he was talking to.

"Anyway, is there anything else you need?" Jack opened his mouth to ask whether or not Zack was entirely sane when a flash of dirty blonde, purple and denim caught his eye. He stared as the attractive girl walked up to him, her hair swishing ferociously behind her narrowed emerald eyes, cheeks flushed pink. She looked s cute when she was…

"WHO THE FUCK THREW AN OVERSIZED FAT UGLY DWARF THROUGH MY ROOF?!?!" Jack glanced at Zack. He looked absolutely mortified.

"Err, uh Karen, take it easy, I-I-I didn't mean it, I was aiming for the postbox! Oh Goddess, I swear I was aiming for the… AAAAEEERGH!" Jack looked away in fear as he heard an awful crunching sound coming from Zack's spine. He felt Karen's eyes shift towards him.

"Oh, it's you… you little…" she made a jump for him, but he was already sprinting halfway down the farm.

_A/N: Cough…_


End file.
